Daily Joke for Jul 22, 2017

July 21, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Funny Bumper Stickers

My karma ran over your dogma.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work.

Hey idiot, hang up! You are driving a car, not a phone booth.

Take your time, but hurry.

Speed kills, drive slow, get a Honda.

0 to 60... in 15 minutes.

If you don't like my driving, stay off the footpath.

Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?

Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.

As a matter of fact, I DO own the road.

Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!

Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.

Caution: Driver Sleeping.

Don't Think and Drive.

Caution I swerve and hit people at random.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Faster than a speeding ticket.

Caution: I drive like you do

The driver has no money, he's married.

Stop reading my bumper stickers and pay attention to the road! :D

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Daily Joke for Jul 23, 2017

July 22, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Getting Out of Work

One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, "I can't take anymore today, I am going home!" The blond replies, "You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!". "Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea." the guy says and leaves the room.

The blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, "I'm a lightbulb!". The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard.

The guy gets down off the ceiling, thanks the owner and leaves.

The blond turns around and starts to leave. The owner yells to her, "Hey where the heck do you think you are going?" The blond replies, "I'm going home. You can't expect me to work in the dark!"

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Daily Joke for Jul 24, 2017

July 23, 2017, 5:00 pm

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You Idiot!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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Daily Joke for Jul 25, 2017

July 24, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Deep Sleeper

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure."

The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!"

"Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy ever mad!"
"Yeah," his companion replied. "But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."

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Daily Joke for Jul 26, 2017

July 25, 2017, 5:00 pm

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The Internet...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

Their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."

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Daily Joke for Jul 27, 2017

July 26, 2017, 5:00 pm

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A True Senior's Moment

This Is A True Senior's Moment:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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Daily Joke for Jul 28, 2017

July 27, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Younger Sibling

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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Daily Joke for Jul 29, 2017

July 28, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Parrot Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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Daily Joke for Jul 30, 2017

July 29, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Won't he know I'm lying?

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

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Daily Joke for Jul 31, 2017

July 30, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Telephone Bill

Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!

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Daily Joke for Aug 01, 2017

July 31, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Definition of Junk

Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

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Daily Joke for Aug 02, 2017

August 1, 2017, 5:00 pm

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What Day is Today?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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Daily Joke for Aug 03, 2017

August 2, 2017, 5:00 pm

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The Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

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Daily Joke for Aug 04, 2017

August 3, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Knock-knock

While at work this man heard a very funny knock-knock joke. He told himself, "Although my wife is blonde I'm sure she will get this one!" Upon arriving home that night he proceeded to tell his wife about this joke he had heard. "Knock-knock," he said. She said, "Hold on honey, let me answer the door."

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Daily Joke for Aug 05, 2017

August 4, 2017, 5:00 pm

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The Extra Chapter

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."

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Daily Joke for Aug 06, 2017

August 5, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Out for Coffee

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.

"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

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Daily Joke for Aug 07, 2017

August 6, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Geriatic Humor

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Daily Joke for Aug 08, 2017

August 7, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Property Laws of a Toddler

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Also...

11. If you built it, I get to knock it down.

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Daily Joke for Aug 09, 2017

August 8, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Questions Even Einstien Couldn't Answer

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?

If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight???

If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?

If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away?

Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?

If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?

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Daily Joke for Aug 10, 2017

August 9, 2017, 5:00 pm

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Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

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